CHAPTER ONE

 

CHAPTER ONE, BUT GOD

Me at 5 years old

BUT GOD!

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I was what was known as an after the war baby, or a baby boomer. Linda Geraldine Akers, born to Ira and Mary Nell Akers on November 14,1947. When I was born I had two older sisters, 10 & 11 years older than me. As a baby, of course all I remember are stories I was told. Mainly how my sisters in their attempt to play with me, kept dropping me on my head. I realize when thinking of this even then God's grace was with me. Many things were wrong within my family, I remember my uncle was a pedophile who preyed on little girls and he chose me from the time I was 3 years old until I was 10 years old, I am thankful that he lived out of town and was rarely seen. But his fondling made me feel unclean and ugly, and I blamed myself because something must have been wrong with me and hate for Linda quickly settled in. (Understand we live in a fallen world and bad people do bad things. But God, had a plan for my life that this act would not stop.)

But that portion of this chapter is long gone and later in my Christian life I was able to forgive him and see it was not a child's fault when those things take place. Never be ashamed to tell your story of abuse, many have kept it silent their whole life. Part of the healing comes from saying "Yes, this is what happened, I was an innocent victim then but I am victorious now, praise God"!

The real story began when I was 5 years old. Let me tell you I loved my daddy more than anything, but he didn't know Jesus and coming home from the war, sent him to heavy drinking and gambling. It was in this state of drinking that he would come home at night and in his anger would become an abusive husband. I learned quickly the signs of him coming home drunk and what would happen by listening to my mother and my sister talk at supper. And very quietly I would slip away, take my little chair, my pillow and my blanket and hide in the very back of my parents walk-in closet. As I listened to the horror outside my hiding place, I heard this little voice that would say: "This is what marriage is"! It would be years later that I would learn that voice speaking into my ears, was the voice and lies of Satan. Developing in me to look for a marriage that was like my parents. So many stories I could tell but I won't go into those. But I remember very vividly, sitting on my daddy's lap, him being so handsome, in a white shirt, and I would stretch out my arms and say "I love you this much" and he, being 6' 2" stretched out his arms and would say "I love you more". And once more many years later I would think, "Jesus stretched out His arms on an old rugged cross and said 'I love you this much' and I love you more' " nothing can match the love of Christ for us.

In the early summer of 1955 I was going on 9 years old and something changed in our home. Daddy received Christ, his drinking and abuse stopped, we started going to church, they even would have their Sunday School class over for fellowship. But something else happened, daddy had a very bad smoking habit, and had developed a very bad cough. They did exploratory surgery and found cancer in his lungs, sewed him back up and gave him 4-6 months to live. Being a child and I didn't understand all of what was happening, I only saw daddy was sick and getting sicker. I turned 9 years old in November 1955, and in February 1956 (5 months after his diagnosis) my daddy died at the young age of 40 years old. I didn't understand death, and being a child no one sat down to talk to me about what had happened. I remember all the family sitting in our home when the call came in, my uncle walked into the room, with no thought of this child sitting there and said: "Ira is dead". And no one spoke to me. At the funeral I was sitting with my mother and sisters and everyone was crying, so someone came and took me out in a hallway with my young cousins and sat us directly across from my daddy's open casket. And I watched as one by one as my family passed by and wept and cried and held on to the casket. I finally was allowed to go up and say goodbye, but I truly never remember crying.

Since no one explained to me what death is that I might have some understanding, in my child like mind I thought I knew what had happened (that is for the next chapter). We came home from the cemetery, I looked at my mother, who was 38 years old when daddy died, and I said "I will never go back to church again, I want no part of God or church!" And her reply was "Okay" and it was settled no more church.

The chapter could have ended right here, except for two words, "But God". Even though I did not know God, God still had a plan for my life, and in every chapter, even when I couldn't see Him moving at that moment, He showed me exactly how much He loves me. That's why it is important to remember the good, the bad and the ugly, so you can see God didn't give up on you. We should never live in the past, live with regrets and live in the pain and sin that we committed, but when we are forgiven and when we have healed then we can look back through our lives and then we can see that even when it looked bad, God was with us. The devil wanted to take me out, But God said "No, I have a good plan for her life!"

December, 1955 our last Christmas with daddy