CONCLUSION

 

HOLD ON DON'T GIVE UP!

God is always growing us when we seek Him, and we learn the most in our School of Suffering.

CONCLUSION

2 Timothy 4:7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith

Those words should speak of our lives as we have lived them out before others. As I have said from the beginning, all these events in my life are just chapters our story is still being written. We all have chapters similar to this because we all know what hardships are in families, relationships, running toward sin, with sickness, suffering, pain, death, finances are like. But they are not the end of our story. They are only a part that we can see how God is moving in us and through us. Your story/testimony even your worst chapter is for two people to see, you so you can see how God brought you through it, and for someone else who needs to know God will see them through their chapter also. (Sometimes multiple people will need to hear your testimony)

Never be afraid to share your testimony, you never know who needs to hear it. I really like the saying "The Neverending Story", our story as we live in the here and now is neverending, but one day will end when we step into our eternal home. My story of God's faithfulness may not look exactly like yours, but God's faithfulness for each of us is the same. So make your life testimony/story be heard.

I ask what does your story/testimony look like? Do you know the One who was born to die? Jesus the Son of God 100% God and 100% man, was willing to lay down His life that you might have eternal life. I pray for each who read this little Blog.

Revelation 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life to the death 

Father, speak to every heart that has opened up this little Blog. Touch them that if they do not know You they will receive Your gift of salvation. I pray You bless all who read, that you give them favor in their walk with You. I pray that if the chapter they are living is a hard chapter, give them peace, draw them near to You and bring them comfort. You are a good good Father. Thank You Jesus it is in Your name I pray. Amen

If you missed a chapter I hope you go back and read. Thank you and God bless you 

CHAPTER NINE

 

SCHOOL OF SUFFERING

Suffering a mother's tears will reach my Lord, my Hope, my Love, my Jesus.

CHAPTER NINE

                PART ONE

Romans 8:18 For I consider that sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

This chapter in my life, is extremely hard for a mother. When your child is suffering, in pain from a disease, we suffer with them. Now I believe that God still heals today, I believe without faith in His healing power, we won't see healing. Yet, over and over we see people of great faith, die. I believe that until they take their last breath we continue to pray for their healing and yet God is still Sovereign and there are times we just don't understand His ways. I believe Jesus will use doctors and medicine to bring healing but ultimately Jesus is our Healer. I have put all my hope and trust in Jesus Christ, and I know God is Sovereign and I have learned not to question His Sovereignty, though I have wept for understanding. 

PART ONE

This account of my daughter's story, is not my story to tell it is hers. All I can do is give a few facts and share how a mother feels, and what a mother sees. This daughter is my third born child. She is a wife, a mother, and a grandmother or as she is called "YaYa" and a daughter. In approximately 2019 she received a diagnosis of Cancer. A very slow growing cancer that by the time it is found is in the fourth stage. She had multiple cancer tumors in her body. They said chemo would not help, it was inoperable. They told her taking a particular shot once a month may give her five years, but no cure. This past year they decided just to try chemo to see if it would shrink the tumors, radiation had not done what they had hoped. In reality the doctors didn't expect any improvement and were shocked to see a little improvement. She hasn't had her PET SCAN (at the time of this writing) to really see her condition after all the chemo. Those are the medical facts. But we in faith, we pray and we continue to pray, trusting and believing in the healing power of Jesus. But as a mother my heart cannot bear to see her suffering and in pain so much. But thanks to God, she does have good days, though she is on heavy pain medication. When her pain is more than she can handle I get a text "Momma, my pain is bad, pray for me"! And like any mother I immediately pray right then. And I pray everyday for her healing, you might say I beg God, but didn't some of the mothers in the scriptures? When you are desperate, a mother will beg God and He understands that. But let me tell you what I see and others see in her; faith, sometimes it may be shaken but she rises back up, I see her being a wife, a mother and a grandmother, oops a YaYa, and a daughter. Whether she is feeling great or not she still wants to do things with her grandchildren. Add to this she is a worshipper, not desiring to miss church, wants to serve the Lord, and be a blessing to others. Two and a half years has passed since she was diagnosed, but we stand here today still praying, still trusting and still believing for her miracle. This is my third born child.

               PART TWO

A mother's worse nightmare! 2020 came and along with it came COVID, my second born child got this disease. She began to show symptoms and being sick on November 13, 2020. Being at home she continued to get worse so much so, that on November 23 she was taken and admitted to the hospital. I just knew and so did she that she would heal very quickly. Her family prayed, our churches prayed, strangers prayed, we believed, she believed. God gave me a word and I held onto it, I reached for the hem of His garment, I knew He could and would heal her. Yet, her condition wasn't getting any better, instead she was getting worse. I cried, I begged, I stood in faith, I held onto Jesus. She would send me a text " momma pray for me", or "momma send me some songs"!

Here are actually two of her text messages:

"I'm expecting complete healing right now!!! No more of this! God can heal me and I'm expecting it."

"Pray right now!!!!!!!!"

Both of these texts came to me on December 1& 2, 2020. On December 5, 2020 she submitted to being put on a ventilator. She had fought it for a long time. But we prayed and we stood in faith, believing God would heal her and she would come off the ventilator. Yet, on December 26, 2020 my daughter left this earth for her eternal home and is worshipping at the feet of Jesus. And as I cried I would pray "Father give me understanding"! And many things He shared with me in His word. And to some degree I had peace. Yet, I was and still I am grieving. Only 49 years old, a wife, a mother, a grandmother (Nana), a daughter. I miss her so much and would never want any mother to go through this, even knowing many, many mothers have gone through the death of their child over and over again. But we have this Hope, in Jesus that though they cannot come back to us we will go to them and Oh what a day of rejoicing that will be. Even in 2021 I once more felt old, and useless, of no value in the kingdom or in my church, the enemy had put a shroud of death over my mind that said "You might as well give up and die". But I recognized  who was speaking and asked some of my friends to pray with me, and the enemy left. Then God spoke again about my purpose "Pray Linda, just pray, share the truth of my word in confidence". I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget. In March of 2021 God gave me an assignment which I did and I am doing that and it has blessed me and brought joy in my life. He also said to "love others." Then in 2022 He added to the love part He said "Love others without any expectation from them"!!!!! Do you know how hard that is! But He knew what I needed to let go of "expectations" in order to love others as He loves.

               PART THREE

My first born and only son. Very talented artist and has his own business to design and make things for people's homes by working with interior designers at different times. Very intelligent, an IQ at the genius level. But lacks Jesus in his life. As a child he went down to receive Christ, yet, there was never seen in his life any fruit of a relationship with Jesus. I know we cannot see into one's heart only God can. All we have to see is the fruit in their lives, having said that there have been a lot of good people who go to church everytime the doors are open, they do a lot of good things. Yet there is a scripture that Jesus says that when they stand before Him with the list of their good things, He will say; "Depart from Me I never knew you". So here is how I pray "Lord you know their heart, whether they are truly saved or have ran into the wilderness of their making. Jesus plow up the fallow ground of their heart, place someone in their path that will inspire them and lead them to You. Lord if they are Yours then I pray they come to their senses and come running back to You." So I keep loving my son and I keep praying for him.

               PART FOUR

Last but not least, my youngest daughter. She loves the Lord, active in church, a wife, a mother, a grandmother (Lolli), a daughter, and a business woman. Has her own hair salon attached to her home, and just a couple of months ago opened her new business adventure, a nutrition center. You go girl! I pray for her continued success and I am so very thankful for her health.

So this is my chapter I am in this day. A lot of pain and heartache yet, God's grace brought me through and continues to bring me through. Though this chapter in my life I consider the worse, I have this resolve in my heart: I know who my God is, I am His and He is mine, I will remain steadfast, I will not run from my Lord ever again. So I stand and I submit to God, resisting the devil and he will flee from me, because he has no part in me. Hallelujah, Praise God.

I recently learned this phrase "School of Suffering", it is in this School of Suffering that markers are set up that we will see God's faithfulness to bring us through each chapter of suffering. 

CHAPTER FIVE

 

WASTED YEARS

I titled this Wasted Years instead of My Wilderness Years for this reason. There are two ways we can enter into a wilderness

1. God leads us there, for a time of drawing closer to Him.

2. We find ourselves there because we have chosen to do our own thing apart from God.

But much like the parable of the prodigal son I took my inheritance and wasted on years of rebellious living.

CHAPTER FIVE

Psalm 51:2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin

Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit 

Actually all of Psalm 51 was my prayer so many many years ago. I used to call these years of running from God into the waiting arms of the world, my Wilderness Years and they were, but most of all they were Wasted Years, where I forgot who I really was, a child of God, I had been set free from the bondage of sin and the world, but in my anger I found myself once more chained to sin and the world. Recently I received a word that spoke of me about this time; what and how did it speak to me? It was (in my interpretation) because of feeling of being rejected by my husband, that he no longer wanted me as a wife, a spirit of rejection came upon my mind oppressing me, I didn't recognize it and agreed with it, I developed an unsatisfying thirst to quench my thirst of rejection. That thirst sent me into the world to look for satisfaction in the pleasures of the world.

When my husband no longer wanted me and our marriage ended, waiting in the sidelines was a married man who did want me. And I made the decision to be in an affair with someone else's husband, I became the other woman. As hard as I tried to replace him with other men I would be interested in, the truth was none could replace him. My sin was ever before me, and it was both spiritually and physically killing me. That spirit of depression, came with a spirit of despair and suicide. I was in constant torment that effected my children, my job and all who came around me. The voice playing over in my head was saying "Your only escape is death"! I attempted twice unsuccessfully to kill myself. Now let me share how even in my sin God would not let me die like that. Listen to my story:

I had been seeing a psychologist that my primary care doctor wanted me to see, trying to help me with my depression etc. His office was in an old home near Lakeshore Mental Hospital, how convenient. No one was there on the weekend, so one Sunday I had driven up to the mountains I had bought the largest bottle of extra strength Tylenol, and began to take them. But I realized I didn't need to be driving and become a danger to others. So I went to my doctor's office took the whole bottle, got out of the car, went into the back laid down under a shade tree to die. Before long my doctor came upon me shook me awake and put me on a swing on the front porch. He was mowing the yard and he would stop to come and check on me. After he finished mowing, he came and sat with me, he told me he has never mowed the yard before, they had a young man who came and did the mowing, but he was sick Saturday and he said that he just suddenly thought he needed to go mow right now. And finding me he kept me awake. Did you see what God did? He talked to my primary care doctor and they highly recommended I enter into what is called a psychiatric ward in a regular hospital. I agreed and stayed a week, nothing changed, I would go into rages actually threw a chair at one of the male nurses. So they sent me packing because I was too violent. Hmmmm but wasn't that why I was there? Oh and though I had taken about 50 pills, I suffered no physical problems from the experience.

I would like to say that I began to get better but I didn't, I quit my job went to work in another grocery store as a deli/bakery manager. Hoping the change would help me, but it truly didn't. I went back and forth with this for twelve long years. My children grown and I had let them down as a mother and a role model, the two youngest were 10 and 11 when this chapter of my life began and to their young eyes they could not see Jesus in me at all. I would take them and drop them off at church near where we lived and they would leave salvation tracts for me to see laying all over the house. 

As my children were now grown, I sold my home, bought a new home and my mother who was approximately 83 years old moved in with me. She lived with me for 10 years until she went to her eternal home. During these years, my oldest sister died at 56 years of a lung disease. I now had 3 grandchildren. And I was still looking for love in all the wrong faces.

I was now back with the company I had been with before, and there was this new young lady that worked there, she was the one that changes the price tags and keeps all of that up to date on the shelves. She was a new Christian and so excited for the Lord, we became friends and I remembered what I was missing. One day I woke up from wallering in the filth of the world and I came back to my senses and I began my journey home to my Father. It was no coincidence that this younger girl was placed in my store and she was drawn to me and I was to her, this was a God thing to remind me of what I had been missing in my relationship with Jesus. This journey took about a year, but I was not seeing the man or any man anymore. But I needed God to help me by keeping him away from me. And I prayed and God heard and answered. I also knew a day would come when I would have to have strength to say "No"! And then I got a 5am phone call, "that said if he was coming in my direction, he would call me and I could meet him". I hung up and prayed "God send him the other way and give me the strength to say no more"! Early the next morning I got a phone call, out of curiosity I asked "why did you not call me back yesterday"? His reply "I went the other way". Then I said "No more I cannot see you anymore"! Did you see what God did?  And just like that it ended.  Ultimately we have to choose to say NO MORE, or we remain tied to our past. But I couldn't stand myself and all the wasted years I was unworthy to be called a Christian. I cried out to God, "How can You still love me after all I have said, all I have done. Show me You love me!" I was 50 years old when I said these words and I can honestly say that here we are 24 years later and everyday, God continually shows me He loves me. I began to go to a church and become active in it, and it was here I began to heal. And I could now begin the process of forgiving myself. 

I was the rebellious daughter, who came to her senses, and made my way back to the love of my life, Jesus; you see rebellion will send us into places and doing things that we would never have thought we would do, the word Prodigal means: "one who returns." In His grace, mercy and love He extended to me, I found forgiveness that I knew I didn't deserve. But that is who our God is. When we acknowledge and confess our sins and in faith repent from it, we are forgiven. In every chapter of my life God over and over again showed me His great love for me, yet in these years I wasted I knew I didn't deserve for Him to love me anymore and yet, He never stopped and never will stop loving me.

Thankful that God never let go of me but allowed me to run and then He drew me back to where I belonged. And I never ran again. Though I may stumble, and even fall, I get back up, because I know who my God is. I am His and He is mine.

Previously I talked about the Lure of Witchcraft in I think Chapter Three. When Satan entices us/lures us, he has spent time watching us. From the very beginning of my life God had a plan for me; as for you, and Satan will see us and will attempt to draw us away from God's plan and into his kingdom of darkness. As a believer he cannot take us to hell but he can remove us from our fellowship with Jesus. Satan saw a desire I had to be wanted, he saw my hurt, my anger and he cast out a lure that I latched onto. Satan comes to steal, kill and to destroy. Read James 1:13-16

2 Timothy 2:13 If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself

CHAPTER EIGHT

 

BUILD MY FAITH

I titled this chapter BUILD MY FAITH, because my faith was about to be tested, and I would need to remain faithful no matter what this chapter of my life looked like. As God kept me, my faith grew. Because chapter nine was coming and I would need more faith than I could ever imagine.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

These next two chapters will take us from 2013 to 2022 in rapid succession.

In 2013 I was drawing social security and working cleaning houses to help supplement my small income. I began to notice I was having swelling in my legs and feet and a lot of shortness of breath as I would move about. While working I would have to sit frequently just to breathe, before continuing to work. Finally going to the doctor, at first being misdiagnosed, they believed the problem was my heart yet they quickly realized it wasn't my heart and they sent me to a pulmonary specialist, something was seen growing in my lungs, after many tests they determined I had what is called pulmonary fibrous growing in my lungs, they determined it was probably caused from breathing in the household cleaners I was using. I prayed, my church prayed for healing.

In 2015 a new pulmonary doctor came on the scene, gave me more information, from the time it was found life expectancy was five years, that would have put my death in or around 2018. He also told me "You can not get sick, even the common cold could go to your lungs and you will die". Interesting it is now 2022 and I have not had any sickness since before 2013 no cold, no bug,  nothing, now that is God's hand of protection. About this same time in 2015 I heard God say very clearly "You will not have a premature death". That told me that no matter what the doctor's report was I would not die before my time, God was in control of my life and my death. So we continued to pray, and I continued to work, and God continued to be my life Sustainer. There is a song, I love, called My Testimony. In this song are these words "If I'm not dead, You're not done, greater things are still to come". That verse is truth and a good word for my life testimony.

Then came 2018 my pulmonary doctor was shocked by what my latest CT Scan showed. He looked at them, looked at me and said "This isn't right your lungs have the scarring but no honeycomb". To explain, this was the fifth year, and honeycombing is the last stage before death. My reply was "Isn't this a good thing?" But he thought surely I was misdiagnosed, he needed to take my case to a group of specialist to go over. Me I'm thinking "Thank you Jesus". Then he says "You have to quit work, you have to stop inhaling the chemicals" so I agreed to do this. As he walked out the door he said "I cannot tell you when you will die, but I can tell you how. You will breath in a toxic fume it will go to your lungs, your lungs will collapse and you will die"! Me I am thinking "Well thanks for the good report".

But in much fear and trembling, I made the necessary decision to quit working. I didn't know how I would live on $825.00 a month, but God was already working and making a way. December 2018 I cleaned my last time. And God had already added money to my monthly income in a way I never expected. But I wasn't used to staying home and I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt old and used up, no value or purpose in God's kingdom. I was depressed and didn't want to be useless. In my prayer time I talked to God about these things and He said "I have brought you beside the still waters so you might rest and draw nearer to Me". Then He said "I want you to pray, pray for your pastors and your church family, share the truth of my word with confidence." Then came January 2019, and I heard God say: "I have cut off the source of your attack." Honestly I didn't have a clue what He meant until my next visit to my pulmonary doctor and my primary care doctor. Just to explain, since 2013 when they listened to my lungs they would hear a crackling sound and as time would pass the crackling would grow further up my lungs. One doctor explained that they could hear the fibrosis growing and it sounded like Velcro being pulled apart. Now we are in 2019 and they can hear absolutely no sounds in my lungs. There is what God meant "He had cut off the growth of the fibrosis". Praise God.

Now in 2021 they heard a noise in the right lung but my now new pulmonary doctor said "it is just noise I want to do a breathing test that will reveal more". So he did and my lungs had not changed since 2018, my lungs were operating on a 49% capacity, which is equal to one lung functioning and my oxygen levels were at 97% and 100%, since I began this chapter in my life those levels had never been this high, ever. My healing may not look like what some may expect but God has healed me, sustained me and here I am not dead!

I have often pondered; though I have out lived the doctors reports, my breathing is unbelievably better, no change in my lungs condition since I quit work in 2018, yet the damage is still there. Let me say this, when I quit work as I quit in obedience to my doctor, yet I was terrified not knowing how I could possibly live on my social security.

 But I just put my faith in my God who could make what appeared impossible for me possible through Him. God is Sovereign and my life and death, as I said earlier, is in His hands. Yet, as the scriptures say "there is a time to live and a time to die", unless the rapture comes first we will all taste death. My yearning is to leave this earthly home and go to my heavenly home, yet, while I am here Jesus is sustaining my life that I might fulfill His purpose and plan for me, so I will continue to do what He asks, stay faithful to Him and finish my race. And when God desires to call me home I will inhale one last thing and I will be in my forever home, but not before His timing.

I Thank God for His love, grace and mercy He has shown to me. But another chapter is coming, will my faith increase, will I still be thankful that He has given me more life? It's one thing for us to say "There is a time to live and a time to die", when it deals with our life, but quiet another when it deals with our childrens lives.

The following below popped up on my Facebook memories from this day in 2016. How appropriate and good timing. I believe that moment came in December, 2018. Remember when God sustains our lives and adds to our life that is His healing. Though some are completely healed 100% others have life extended. Always thankful.

"One day my faith and God's healing are suddenly going to collide and everything that is hurting me will be gone. In the meantime I keep trusting, in the Healer of my soul, body and spirit. His stripes purchased my healing more than 2,000 years ago."

I WILL PRAISE HIM

 

CHAPTER SEVEN

I WILL PRAISE HIM

I titled this I WILL PRAISE HIM, because it was here in the chapter of my life God began to teach me that I would need to learn how to praise Him in the valley and on the mountain top. Because two more chapters were coming that would be the darkest chapters of my life and I would need to praise Him even in my tears.

Psalm100:4 Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.

In Chapter Six, I had told about how God had said "You didn't praise Me", and I didn't understand what He meant but I began to seek Him to know, approximately 10 years had past since that moment. I remember everything about my first time I came for worship at my now church, except the message. 😂 But you see I heard what God was wanting me to hear, plus I had never heard a pastor begin to exhort during the praise and worship music. So bear with me this day was life changing for me.

It had been a year since I had worked at this church, but one of the ladies recognized me, and the pastor finally figured out where he knew me from 😁, the people were friendly but at the same time I was feeling out of place, you know a new church, didn't know what to expect, came by myself. Then church began, prayer, the worship music started, no choir but a great praise team, truly anointed. At one point the pastor got up and shared a great exhortation that captured my attention, then he sat down and I thought that was good but that was the shortest message I have ever heard. Then the music ended and he stood up and said "Church can we just love on Jesus a minute". Then I heard such a beautiful sound all around me people were softly saying who Jesus is. You are the Great I Am, Holy, Wonderful Savior, Our Redeemer, Our Lord, Our King. On and on it went and then quietly they stopped and sat down. And he began to preach. Even today many years later he will still do that time of exhortation and encourage us to just lift up our voices in praise. Did it take me out of my comfort zone, absolutely, but at the same time I loved the whole service and I knew that was where I belonged. After I had been going for awhile I began to  understand the meaning of Psalm 100:4 I learned very quickly, "We thank Him for what He has done and we praise Him for who He is"! I was exactly where God wanted me.

I asked God once "Why did you bring me here since I didn't make much money working?" His beautiful answer: "You came to make money, I brought you here to worship Me". Think about it, if my daughter had not been listening to K Love that morning, she would not have heard they were hiring, if I had not followed through and applied, if they had not hired me, then I would never have known about this church. People that was all God, He in His providential plan moved and made sure I would get a job in the church He was going to plant me in, you could say it was my Karios moment. I have learned so much over these years times of going deeper with God, growing in Jesus, listening to the Holy Spirit and learning to obey. Trusting more and more in my Savior in bad times and good times, learning to set up markers that I would go back to over and over again to remember God brought you through here He is faithful and will bring me through again and again. What a chapter in my life that has just begun. Here I was given opportunities to serve in the kingdom of God, and here I began to learn to love myself for who God has created me to be. My desire to go deeper and deeper with Jesus continues even approximately 13 years later.

Shortly after I started coming I had to move from my ex-husbands home as he wanted to sell it. So I was living in a downstairs apartment. One night there was a lot of loud arguing going on that kept me awake throughout the night, in the upstairs apartment. At about 5:00am I thought I might as well get up and go get on my laptop and talk about my neighbors on Facebook. My laptop was on my dining room table and behind it was my china cabinet. As I sat up to get up, I heard very clearly "Don't do it". So I laid back down and immediately went to sleep but about 15 minutes later I heard a loud noise, so I got up to go see what had happened, because the people upstairs had suddenly got very quiet. I found from my ceiling dust had fallen all over my laptop and table, a hole in the china cabinet behind my chair, and a bullet laying beside the living room chair. Shaking I called the police, they came, they saw, and they arrested the man upstairs. The forensic man said that if I had been sitting in that chair I would be dead. Did you see what God did? Once more He saved my life and no telling how many other times He has protected me.

One day I asked God "Why did you not allow me to die those different times?" He answered "Because I have something better for you". And that goes back to Jeremiah 29:11.

I was so blessed in this chapter of my life (and still am) but like all things, chapters can change but God never changes, He is always faithful in every phase of our journey. I believe the biggest blessing in this life chapter was me seeking to go deeper with Jesus and God growing me. I felt like I had a real purpose in God's kingdom. But there was coming a shift that would grow my faith. Our faith grows in adversity, because in our times of trouble we draw nearer to Him. Sitting in church one Sunday and thinking about storms in my life (These storms were nothing to what was coming), I had prayed once "Lord whatever it takes draw me closer to You". But problems kept coming, and this Sunday I heard the Lord say "You are the closest to Me when you are in the middle of a storm". 

A shift is coming for me personally in the next chapter of my life.

CHAPTER SIX

 

HEALING AND HEARING

I titled this Healing and Hearing, because I began to heal from the pain of my wasted years and now I was really digging deeper into God's word and learning to hear His voice as He spoke to me.

CHAPTER SIX

Psalm 103:17 But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting On those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children.

Thankful for this Chapter in my life, in this chapter I learned that God has blessed me with the gift of teaching, something I had a great passion for, with the children I was able to use the talent of Creativity that God had put in me. And with the adults just a great love to share the goodness of God. I taught in the church, both the children and senior ladies and would have ladies bible study classes where people brought their friends to. I was just being blessed over and over again.  This was a process of eleven years. So let's back up a bit.

A day came when I needed to sell my home and move, I had a mortgage plan where after three years the monthly payment increased by $200. I sought God as to where to move to. And so clearly He said "No matter where you live, I will not leave you, but I will be there with you." So the plan was made.

Yet, before that day my oldest daughter got a divorce. My brother-in-law met a tragic, unexpected death and my sister was grieving. As I was praying one night, I had a habit of praying and saying "God is there anything I forgot to pray?" I heard that still small voice say "You didn't praise me." So I did all I knew to do, but I truly didn't understand how He wanted me to praise Him, but it never left me and I desired to know how He wanted to be praised. It would be 10 more years before He would sit me down and teach me what He meant.

I sold my home and bought a condo, mom with me all along the way. Shortly after moving the company closed that I worked for, and I had no job and 56 years old. I began to sell cakes, babysit children, when the babysitting ended, I began to clean homes.

During this chapter of my life I also sold the condo and rented an apartment. I had struggled with finances of not having enough since my divorce. I would tithe and then I would have to charge groceries, something was definitely wrong. I prayed and prayed. Then my ex- father-in-law died and my ex- husband allowed me to rent his parents nice home for $500 a month. I loved living there. But I still struggled with tithing. So I would pray "Show me my sin" and at church I would listen very closely to see if God would reveal to me what I was doing wrong. Then they had a few Sunday's where people shared their tithing testimonies, and I would cry because I was only giving an offering.

I prayed and I prayed and then in the wee hours of the morning God spoke, "I am looking for a people who will praise Me in the valley as well as the mountain top, I am looking for a people who will worship Me in the valley as well as the mountain top and I am looking for a people who will give in the valley as well as the mountain top." My reply was "I want to be one of those people". I wanted to share my testimony on a Sunday morning, but my Pastor said all the slots were taken, then in a few hours he called me back and told me someone just cancelled and would not be able to speak, would I?  Did you see what God did ? And yes I shared the whole story I just shared with you. I was 56 years old, and God has been my Provision and my Provider again and again.

At approximately 61 years of age, honestly I can't keep up with my age and years so these numbers are not set in concrete but close, I was still cleaning homes and needed more income. Mother was approximately 93 years old and actually doing well. While I was working my daughter called to say she heard on K Love radio of a church needing to hire someone to clean in the evening, because they had a daycare. I went to my pastor, we prayed for God's favor, I went for the interview and was hired. I loved everything I saw in the church, didn't make much money though. I started in June, and at the same time my mother entered into the process of dying. I want to go all the way back to ten years before when she moved in with me; naturally both of us being independent women who had lived alone for many years, we had a big adjustment to make that at times drove us both crazy. But we always loved one another, she also helped pay toward the housing expenses each month, she adjusted everytime we moved and when I quit running from God and went back to church she went with me. That was a blessing since she had not been in church since she was 38 years old. So now back to my starting to work in the evening. She began to go to bed earlier and earlier and I had to start asking family members to come over a few hours in the evening while I worked. She had to be taken to the ER twice the second time she was admitted for a week for a UTI. When talking to the ER doctor at the first trip, he asked me when this all started. I said it started in June when I began to work in the evening. His reply brought me much anguish he told me that my going to work and leaving her in the evening triggered her beginning to die. But I kept working and family took time staying with her. Then September 4th mom died. I continued to work at the church, but I was struggling with what the ER doctor had said and was tired from working each day cleaning houses and also nights. Besides this I had a Sunday School class and our AWANA program to prepare for. So in January after giving the church a 30 day notice I completed my working there, and I had loved that church and prayed over the worship center everytime I cleaned it. But that chapter of my life was finished.

As time went on I began to no longer want to be over the AWANA program, after all I had done it for approximately eleven years. I decided to resign, I was also growing away from teaching the adult class, even talked to my pastor about it but I kept teaching. This process took a year of me hanging on, but not understanding I needed to go. Until something happened within the church to trigger me to leave NOW! I realized much later that God had during this year begun to shift me and transition me to where He wanted me to be.

I told my friends goodbye, and began to visit other churches. Then I remembered the church I had been cleaning and I decided to go visit. And then the next chapter of my life would begin. I would now experience a move of God in my life greater than anything I had experienced so far. 

Glory to God on the Highest for great is His faithfulness. 

CHAPTER FOUR

 

GOD WINS

Oh what a time, what a day, what a moment! The miracle of a resurrected soul, a new life beating in a dead spirit. And just like that I was changed from dead to life, from lost to found, from sinner to saint. Not by my power but by His!

WHAT A MOMENT, TO ANSWER THE CALL OF JESUS CHRIST. SAVED!

CHAPTER FOUR

Psalm 27:8 When You said "Seek My face", My heart said to You, "Your face, LORD, I will seek".

Time had passed I was now married with another child, a girl. It was the summer of 1973. My childhood dream from Chapter two, has continued for many years and I would soon very soon know it's meaning. 

One day I received a phone call at work from my older sister, she was concerned about our other sister, who was 10 years older than me. It seems she had been talking a lot about Satan and how he and his demons operate and she wanted me to talk to her and keep a watch out to see if she needed a doctor's care. And I did just that. She didn't seem to be acting right, something must be wrong. Around the same time UFO'S were the hot topic people were talking about. In the summer evenings we would stand out on our back deck looking up into the skies, watching for the lights of UFO'S. On one of these nights, my husband looked at me and said, "Something is wrong if we are standing here looking for UFO'S, you go in and start reading the Bible." I am not sure what bible I used the only one I had was a small white bible I got as a child. I remember mother gave us a large family bible one year for Christmas and that could have been the one I began to read. And me being me began reading out loud every night for me and my husband, the Book of Revelation. Now I am here to tell you I didn't have a clue what it was talking about, but God gave me this revelation, "Things were going to get very bad and God wins". At this time both me and my husband began to visit churches taking our two children with us. 

Remember my dream, people both dead and alive going to face Jesus, me still a child even now, compelled to get in the line. Crying and crawling until I reach the feet of Jesus then I saw these blue fuzzy house shoes on His feet and would immediately wake up. 

Well now we have reached December 25, 1973 I just turned 27 in November, we are sitting and opening our gifts and I opened this one gift from my husband, and I was overwhelmed as I looked at these "blue fuzzy house shoes" identical to the shoes on Jesus feet I had dreamed for so many years. (In fact a not to long ago I looked up to see when these shoes came out, I first saw them in 1956, and yet they were not even made and sold until 1972). God put those shoes in my dream to show me in 1973, the reality of this: "Judgment day was coming and I had better be ready". Here right here was a Kairos moment when Jesus touched earth and interrupted my day. I began to seek to know God and continued to go to church. In February 1974 ( just a couple of days before the anniversary of my father's death), an aunt had died and at the funeral for the first time in all these months, I saw my sister. As I looked intently into her face, something was different, at the time I didn't know what it was, but I knew immediately she had what I needed. So I went home with her and she shared Jesus Christ with me and right then I got on my knees and asked Jesus into my heart and He extended His gift of eternal life to me. Oh and what I saw in her face was "peace".  I was excited to be set free and be a child of God. I bought myself a little red bible, stayed in church, began reading in the book of James, (God send me there for chapter 3, because I had a foul mouth), I prayed, went to church and went to Bible Studies with every opportunity. But something happened at home my husband never went back to church with me and remained an unbeliever. Though our marriage had always been rocky with good times and bad times, remember what was whispered in my ear as a child? On the night before we got married he said to me "I will not hit you, but with my mouth I will destroy you"! I thought I could handle that so we married, but when Satan uses someone's mouth to destroy, it will cause great harm. It seemed that the more I burned for Jesus the more we drifted apart. When I was saved I expected my marriage and life would be a bed of roses but in reality it was a bed of thorns. I prayed and tried to talk to my husband about the Lord and it just seemed to make things worse. Now 12 years had passed from 1973 (we were married on 12/31/1969), and we had two more daughters. Yet, by the time my youngest two were 10 & 11 years old I found myself filled with anger and depression had become very apparent in my life. I worked as a deli/bakery manager, but, when I was home I just wanted to stay in bed. He never wanted to be with me as a husband anymore and we didn't speak much to each other except to say ugly things to one another. We were both miserable, the marriage was a mess and I didn't want to try anymore I just wanted to find a man who would find me pretty and want me, I didn't care about them loving me.  So one day in a silly argument I said "I don't even want to be married to you". And as quickly as that our marriage of 18 years was over.

And in my hurt, such a deep anger, most likely a bitterness, set in and with the anger I began quickly seeking the pleasures of the flesh and the world, I turned once more into that 9 year old girl of years past and said: "I don't want any part of God or church anymore"!

When I did that, I stepped out of fellowship with Jesus, but I didn't step out of His love. You see neither God the Father or God the Son can have fellowship with sin. And I became like the parable of the prodigal son and I began a journey that would take me to places I never dreamed I would enter into. But my Father was watching for me to return. 

Demons cannot possess a born again believer, but when we give them opportunity, they will oppress us in many ways. Satan has no authority over us except what we give him. Now I didn't understand this until years later, you see Satan will place a thought into our minds, like a brick when we allow that thought to stay, it's like adding mortar and brick by brick a prison is built in our minds, also it is like placing a basket over our mind that covers the light in us, with a shroud of death. Because I had always felt rejected by my family, my husbands, a spirit of rejection began to spring forth it's ugliness that brought with it a rejection thirst. This means I began to seek the pleasures of the world to accept me and satisfy my thirst, instead of staying close to the Father, I chose to look for man to satisfy that thirst.

For the next 12 years I would be under the Holy Ghost conviction. But that chapter is coming next. Remember this, God doesn't just wash His hands of us, before I was born He knew me and He had a good plan for my life, and though He didn't want this for me, He already knew I would make a wrong choice that would wreck my whole life for 12 years. Let me add this when our lives are wrecked, everyone around us is effected by our trainwreck, especially our children.

My salvation was the best chapter of my life, yet, 12 years after I was saved, I would find myself running as fast as I could for another 12 years. 

This was when I was 40 and just divorced

CHAPTER THREE

 

THE LURE OF WITCHCRAFT

I titled this as I did because in the book of James 1:14 we are told that Satan entices us into temptation, that word entice means " to lure". To lure is like a fishing bait fishermen use to lure a fish to grab the bait and be hooked. Understand I was not a Christian in this chapter of my life, but a lure from Satan was placed in my life to lead me into Hell. BUT GOD, would not allow it. 

Write your chapters down

CHAPTER THREE

THESE ARE NOT INNOCENT GAMES

Isaiah 8:19 And when they say to you, "Seek those who are mediums and wizards, who whisper and mutter," should not a people seek their God? Should they seek the dead on behalf of the living?

Where do we find me in this chapter of my life? Twenty, divorced, a son and still living with my mother. I had a job as a bookkeeper, my son was in daycare, I was dating a man who in a couple of years I would marry. Also during this time, my mother was going to see a fortune teller. One evening she invited me to go with her and I went, one trip and I was hooked, I had to know what the future held for me, so I went at the least every other week at times once a week. That was getting costly, so when a coworker introduced me to the Ouija Board, I quickly bought one. Now these are not games, but are in fact controlled by a demonic spirit attached to it, people are not pushing the window (can't think of the correct word) but it is hovering right above the board. It wouldn't work for me ( God's protection) but I had a friend who loved cult practices and she would come and it would move through her. One night, I asked it, would it work for me? The board said "Yes". My friend left and I sat down to ask questions. The board told me "I was going to kill myself" I panicked, threw the board across the kitchen and when mother came in she found me a wreck. In fact I was so upset by what it had told me I went and found an old Bible to see what I could find. Well I just opened it up and the first thing I read was "vengeance is Mine saith the Lord, I will repay." And again "The word of God is sharper than a two-edge sword" threw it across the room also. 

You would have thought I would have learned something from that, but though those two things were gone, I was now drawn to Horoscopes and I had a huge book about horoscopes. One night my soon to be husband said "Why do you mess with that junk, it means nothing". And in that very moment God removed all connection to witchcraft from me. Because I did as my soon to be husband said.

This was in the sixties and by the time the early nineties came around, I was saved but drawn back into witchcraft movies; Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and The Charmed Ones. Then one night God said "Why do you enjoy what I hate?" So I stopped watching, but even to this day I still have a strong desire to watch these types of movies and I confess I have found myself watching and then come under conviction and stop, I have heard many Christians say it took years to get the taste of beer out of mouths, or smokers saying just the smell would cause them to want a cigarette, though I didn't drink, smoke, I was saved and still drawn to things that were from my past. Many think they are just movies, but know this whatever we put into our inner man will manifest itself in some form. There was a reason in other chapters in the bible God told His people when they entered into the foreign lands they conquered and possessed, to burn down their high places, destroy their carved images and not to bring them into their home. It was because you would bring in the demon that was attached to the object, including the images from the television screen will come into our mind. When the demon told me I would kill myself, I can testify and will reveal in other chapters Satan has often times placed a shroud of death over my mind, bringing with it depression, thoughts and attempts of suicide.

Ephesians 4:27 nor give place (opportunity) to the devil

God's grace protected me by removing me from this dangerous cult, because He had a better plan awaiting me. But me seeing it right then before I was saved; I didn't, because I didn't know God through His word, and I didn't have His Holy Spirit in me to guide me.

Our gateways to our inner man are:

  1. Our minds and what we think about,

  2. Our eyes and what we watch

  3. Our ears and what we listen to and

  4. Our mouths and what we speak. 

Be wise and not foolish, but guard each part of your gateways into your inner man.

Remember it's just a chapter, God is still moving

 

CHAPTER TWO

WHAT IS THIS DREAM?

Joel 2:30-31 And I will show wonders in the heavens and in the earth; blood and fire and pillars of fire. The sun shall be turned into darkness and the moon into blood, before the coming of the great and awesome day of the LORD.

I need to cover a time span here, of 10 years, so stay with me on this journey. 

After I made the decision that I wanted no part of God or church, I began to have a reoccurring dream until I was 27 years. In this God given dream, I never grew older than 9 years old, even when I dreamed of it as an adult. Now here is the dream and I will mention parts of this in a forthcoming chapter.

I was in downtown Knoxville, on Gay Street, alone and hiding in a doorway of a well known department store. I was hiding because something very frightening was happening in front of me. People, both the dead and the living, were walking up Gay Street. How did I know the dead and the living, because I saw my daddy and he was dead and my mother and sisters and they were living. All these people and I didn't want to get in the line, it was dark outside and the moon was the color of blood. But I couldn't stop myself, I found myself in line, I had to walk up a hill and I was both crying and crawling, I knew at the top of the hill was Jesus and I was terrified. When I reached His feet, He had on these blue fuzzy house shoes and immediately I would wake up. I would say "It's just a dream, Jesus doesn't wear house shoes." Periodically this dream would continue exactly the same each time. We will be coming back to this very soon.

After daddy died we were able to buy a small, nice home in a nice neighborhood from his insurance money. I would live there until my early twenties.

Now I am 12 years old and still haven't been back to church. But my cousin invited me to come to her church revival, reluctantly I agreed to go. At the end of service, an invitation went out to the congregation for any who wanted to come up and share some testimony could do so. So this 12 year old, unchurched girl, got in line to go to the pulpit. Before I tell what I said, remember I said in the previous chapter; that not understanding death, at 9, I came up with my own conclusion. Now I stand at a Pastor's pulpit, looking out at all the people there and these words came out of my mouth, "I hate God, He killed my daddy and I am afraid He is going to kill me". Then I walked off, fairly certain they thought I was demon possessed, but in reality I was a child crying out for help. Afterwards they talked to me but all I remember was, they told me not to be afraid. And I walked out as lost as I went in.

My mom remarried, but it only lasted about a year and he had a son about a year younger than me. At this time I began to see demonic spirits, I remember at least twice. I had begun to lock my bedroom door and even prop my croquet set under the door knob, for my safety. One night I woke up with what looked like my step brother kneeling by my bed, but my door was still locked, I remember saying "What do you want?" No answer, so I got out of bed turned on my dresser light and looked at this person smiling at me with a colored pin stripe shirt on. Then as quickly as I saw him he was gone. And for my safety, from that night forward I kept my small light on along with my door locked and my croquet set propped under the door knob. I would only stop that routine after their divorce. Mom would keep the bathroom light on at night, and one night our little dog, Candy, would not stop barking she positioned herself right in front of mother's door and just kept barking at the hall wall. As I looked at the wall I saw a man's silhouette walking up and down the whole length of the hall wall. He had on a hat that touched the ceiling and the bottom of his shadow would touch the floor, and then it just suddenly disappeared.

As a preteen I did begin to go back to church some but mainly to the youth programs to hang out with the boys. But never dated any.

At 15 years old I began to date a young man 7 years older than me and I was in love. We planned on marriage when I graduated at 18, but a few months before graduation, I became pregnant we secretly married as my mother took us to a justice of the peace, and I graduated as planned. We had a son, and by the time he was two, we divorced and he was sent to Vietnam. Why did we divorce? Several reasons, 1. He had issues about keeping a job and we lived with my mother. 2. Remember what I thought marriage was to be like? I would cuss him attempt to rile him up and he would look at me and say, "Now precious, you don't mean that". He never said one harsh word to me, while we were dating and after we got married. And because he didn't meet my expectation of how a husband was suppose to treat his wife, I didn't respect him as a man. Thus the marriage ended. Remember the lies Satan whispered in my ear as a child about what marriage was to be like. 

Go back and read the scripture above. There is absolutely no way a 9 year child would know of this prophecy. But that dream will be brought up again very soon. These early years are just chapters in my life to give you a look into things that affected my life, you will see now and in the next chapter how the words whispered in a five year olds ear affected my relationships with two men I married. Yet God was watching over me and pursuing me. We do not always recognize God working in our lives; before or after we are saved, as a song says "God is always working even if we do not see it"! It is after He brings us through it that we see how much He was with us, watching over us, loving us and pursuing after us. 

Just because my marriage failed doesn't mean God stopped loving me, and He sure didn't stop pursuing me. He is the reason I am alive today, SPOILERS, that comes a little later in my story.

CHAPTER ONE

 

CHAPTER ONE, BUT GOD

Me at 5 years old

BUT GOD!

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I was what was known as an after the war baby, or a baby boomer. Linda Geraldine Akers, born to Ira and Mary Nell Akers on November 14,1947. When I was born I had two older sisters, 10 & 11 years older than me. As a baby, of course all I remember are stories I was told. Mainly how my sisters in their attempt to play with me, kept dropping me on my head. I realize when thinking of this even then God's grace was with me. Many things were wrong within my family, I remember my uncle was a pedophile who preyed on little girls and he chose me from the time I was 3 years old until I was 10 years old, I am thankful that he lived out of town and was rarely seen. But his fondling made me feel unclean and ugly, and I blamed myself because something must have been wrong with me and hate for Linda quickly settled in. (Understand we live in a fallen world and bad people do bad things. But God, had a plan for my life that this act would not stop.)

But that portion of this chapter is long gone and later in my Christian life I was able to forgive him and see it was not a child's fault when those things take place. Never be ashamed to tell your story of abuse, many have kept it silent their whole life. Part of the healing comes from saying "Yes, this is what happened, I was an innocent victim then but I am victorious now, praise God"!

The real story began when I was 5 years old. Let me tell you I loved my daddy more than anything, but he didn't know Jesus and coming home from the war, sent him to heavy drinking and gambling. It was in this state of drinking that he would come home at night and in his anger would become an abusive husband. I learned quickly the signs of him coming home drunk and what would happen by listening to my mother and my sister talk at supper. And very quietly I would slip away, take my little chair, my pillow and my blanket and hide in the very back of my parents walk-in closet. As I listened to the horror outside my hiding place, I heard this little voice that would say: "This is what marriage is"! It would be years later that I would learn that voice speaking into my ears, was the voice and lies of Satan. Developing in me to look for a marriage that was like my parents. So many stories I could tell but I won't go into those. But I remember very vividly, sitting on my daddy's lap, him being so handsome, in a white shirt, and I would stretch out my arms and say "I love you this much" and he, being 6' 2" stretched out his arms and would say "I love you more". And once more many years later I would think, "Jesus stretched out His arms on an old rugged cross and said 'I love you this much' and I love you more' " nothing can match the love of Christ for us.

In the early summer of 1955 I was going on 9 years old and something changed in our home. Daddy received Christ, his drinking and abuse stopped, we started going to church, they even would have their Sunday School class over for fellowship. But something else happened, daddy had a very bad smoking habit, and had developed a very bad cough. They did exploratory surgery and found cancer in his lungs, sewed him back up and gave him 4-6 months to live. Being a child and I didn't understand all of what was happening, I only saw daddy was sick and getting sicker. I turned 9 years old in November 1955, and in February 1956 (5 months after his diagnosis) my daddy died at the young age of 40 years old. I didn't understand death, and being a child no one sat down to talk to me about what had happened. I remember all the family sitting in our home when the call came in, my uncle walked into the room, with no thought of this child sitting there and said: "Ira is dead". And no one spoke to me. At the funeral I was sitting with my mother and sisters and everyone was crying, so someone came and took me out in a hallway with my young cousins and sat us directly across from my daddy's open casket. And I watched as one by one as my family passed by and wept and cried and held on to the casket. I finally was allowed to go up and say goodbye, but I truly never remember crying.

Since no one explained to me what death is that I might have some understanding, in my child like mind I thought I knew what had happened (that is for the next chapter). We came home from the cemetery, I looked at my mother, who was 38 years old when daddy died, and I said "I will never go back to church again, I want no part of God or church!" And her reply was "Okay" and it was settled no more church.

The chapter could have ended right here, except for two words, "But God". Even though I did not know God, God still had a plan for my life, and in every chapter, even when I couldn't see Him moving at that moment, He showed me exactly how much He loves me. That's why it is important to remember the good, the bad and the ugly, so you can see God didn't give up on you. We should never live in the past, live with regrets and live in the pain and sin that we committed, but when we are forgiven and when we have healed then we can look back through our lives and then we can see that even when it looked bad, God was with us. The devil wanted to take me out, But God said "No, I have a good plan for her life!"

December, 1955 our last Christmas with daddy

CHAPTERS

 INTRODUCTION

Revelation 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.

The scripture above is my life scripture, a scripture that God placed in my life along with my desire to share the goodness of God through my personal testimony. And that leads me here today in this moment in time.

I titled this little blog, "CHAPTERS", because we all have chapters in our lives, chapters that were what we may say are, if I can quote an old movie, "THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY". These chapters are just parts and pieces of our lives, many are chapters that developed us, some are chapters that taught us, some chapters changed us, other chapters brought hurt and pain, but they are OUR chapters, chapters where God drew us, prepared us, walked with us, comforted us. Chapters we are not always proud of; yet, God never stopped loving us. 

All of us were at one time unbelievers, I can not go any further until I say this:

"It is one thing to believe there is a God, that Jesus is His Son, and yes there is a Holy Spirit. It is written that 'even the devil believes', but it is quiet the other to enter into a relationship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. There is our salvation testimony and there is our everyday testimony of God moving and working in our lives that develops us in growing us in maturity and reveals His goodness through us." Here are the nuggets that people can identify with and will encourage and help them in the journey and chapter they are in.

Our chapters are our markers in our lives that we can look back on and remember "God brought me through there, He will bring me through again". This right here was life changing for me when I learned this. It is from Joshua 4:20-22

One more thing these Chapters are only Chapters in our lives, they don't end they only continue. To quote another old family movie "NEVERENDING STORY"! Perfect title for the life of a Christian.

These are my chapters some I may give detail and some I may not. But as I write I will be lead by the Holy Spirit, to say what is needed and not say what is not needed. 

Enjoy my Neverending Story, my

Chapters.

If you have been encouraged in some way please share these next posts that are coming with your friends. Since I had originally wrote this for a book, it has the following: 1. Introduction 2. 9 chapters 3. Conclusion. I will be posting them individually as a blog post. Thank you