WHEN A DAUGHTER DIES A MOTHER CRIES

 

PART TWO

GIVE ME UNDERSTANDING!

As I left off in Part One, as soon as the text came in of Angela's passing, disbelief in what had happened, pain, hurt of HOW CAN THIS BE, and yes anger.

I began to cry out to God "You gave me a word and a scripture I have hung on to that word all this time, believing and expecting Angela to live. Where was my daughter's miracle? GIVE ME UNDERSTANDING! YOUR WORD SAYS, YOUR WORD SAYS, GIVE ME UNDERSTANDING, GIVE ME A SCRIPTURE I CAN HOLD ON TO! I had begun to doubt that I even knew God's voice. And I said You said "This is not unto death"! And I heard very clearly "Angela can never die she has eternal life, do you believe this?" I felt like Mary and Martha when their brother died, "If You had been here he wouldn't have died". And me I was saying "It wasn't suppose to end this way". 

More than I was grieving and in our weakness, the enemy began to whisper things to divide the family when  this is when we needed each other more. But things just kept getting worse, offense, assumptions, until even our gathering together for Angela was dissolved. I know forgiveness must come least the root of bitterness set in. I also know that God will need to bring His healing, His grace, His mercy, His love, His restoration into all our lives.

Before Angela died, I was reminded of King David and Bathsheba's baby when he died, I went back to read 2Samuel 12 to refresh my memory. But Angela was going to live not die, so I dismissed the leading. Until somewhere between January 10 and January 16. First let's back up to my need for understanding, i remembered how I prayed when Angela was placed on a ventilator, I prayed 1. For her healing 2. For her to have peace 3. She would have God dreams 4. And Jesus would sit and talk to her. And I knew all of that happened. Then I remembered a conversation Angela and I had on September 29, Angela called me (now that was historic) she said "Momma what will our heavenly bodies be like?" I told her what I had been taught and told her what the scriptures said. Then I sent her a text with the scripture references (that's how I knew the date), she responded to my text with these three words "I can't wait". Anyone who ever talked to Angela the conversation always went to Jesus and His coming again, she would say "I can't wait". Now Angela never expected to die from COVID what she expected was to go in the rapture of the church. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of a recent message, from 2Corinthians 5 it was how we have a yearning a longing to leave this earthly vessel (our earthly bodies) and be in our heavenly home in the presence of Jesus. Angela had this yearning. Remember I asked "Give me understanding and a scripture"? Well I went back to read and verse 8 jumped out to me, "We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord"! I now knew what had happened, understanding and scripture, by the way when I looked at my notes for the dates it said November 1. Both the conversation and the word given had taken place before Angela had gotten sick. You see God always prepares us for what is coming, those curves and bumps in the road. My pastor said Sunday "When we find ourselves in trouble times REMEMBER THE WORD". So the Holy Spirit took me back to remember and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that sometime between 7 & 8am on Saturday, December 26, Jesus showed Angela just a glimpse of heaven and I can almost hear Angela say "Let's Go"!

COME UP OFF THAT GROUND

Back to 2 Samuel 12, for 7 days King David laid on the ground in sack cloth, fasting and praying. Then when word came that his son had died, David got up off the ground, washed himself, put on clean clothes, anointed himself, and went to the Lord's house to worship, then home to eat. When his servants questioned him, he said "I can go to him but he cannot return to me"! There is our example of how to handle grief, we get up off the ground, wash our tears away, walk in our anionting and we go to the Lord's house and we worship. And the last part is a promise for every believer, in Christ when our loved one dies and enters into heaven, we will one day go to them.

Both me and my daughters love praise and worship music. Angela when alone in the car, would have it blasting and since she had a heavy foot anyway she would go a little faster even more. Her story was she was worshipping and praising, a policeman pulled her over. Approached the car and said "ma'am do you realize how fast you were going?" Angela apologizing said "Oh officer I had my worship music going and didn't realize how fast I was going". She later told her sister "He wasn't impressed, he gave me a ticket anyway"! 😂

So Sunday, January 17, we said our goodbyes, we celebrated Angela's life, and we worshipped (so thankful for a church family that loves). And now I smile and at times I cry, because I know where my daughter is and I can't wait to join her and be in the presence of my Jesus. 

WHEN A DAUGHTER DIES A MOTHER CRIES

 

PART ONE OF A MOTHER'S JOURNEY

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

Let me just say these times from November until today, have been the most difficult and painful days of my 73 years. I really don't know where to begin, I sure don't want to ramble, so let's just start with the beginning. Around November 10 or 11, Angela unknowingly was exposed to COVID when the elderly man that she was a care giver for, daughter brought it with her into the home. On the 13th of November Angela was showing one symptom, a cough, which coughing was normal for both of us. So she came to my home with my other daughter to celebrate my birthday. We ate, laughed and talked and said our goodbyes with a hug. Little did I realize this would be the last birthday she would celebrate with me and the last hug I would give and receive from her and the last time she would be in my home and sit on my couch. (I didn't get COVID and had Angela known she had it or been exposed to it she wouldn't have come to see me that day). Then by Monday 11/17 she was sick, and tested positive to COVID. By 11/23/2020 she was in the hospital, fighting for her life. 

People were praying, and the a prayer group of more people than I can say, continued to pray, praying expecting a miracle, expecting her to live. Even my Angela, she would send a text in the middle of the night "Pray Now", and during the day "Send praise music". And we did that and more, then on Wednesday December 2 at 5:42pm I got this basically final message from Angela before she was placed on a ventilator on December 5,2020:

"I'm expecting complete healing right now!!! No more of this! God can heal me and I'm expecting it."

Expecting, Angela knew that our God, our Jesus was her Healer, she knew He was able and she prayed expecting Him to heal her, as did we also. When they placed Angela on the ventilator I had heard that some who had come off this machine had reported they had great nightmares unending dreams. Before I go any further let me share what they do to someone who has to be placed on a ventilator. First they have to give you heavy pain medication, they give you a drug that paralyzes you to keep your body from moving at all, then they put you in a deep, deep sleep. Angela was placed on a Roto Bed that fastened her in because the bed would rotate into different positions to enable the oxygen to flow through her lungs. The difference in oxygen levels for a normal person and a COVID patient is any oxygen saturation below 94% is considered critical. Angela spend two weeks on a Bipap machine with 💯 oxygen was being forced into her lungs, and when her saturation reached 88% they begin to talk about a ventilator, she held off until hers reached 67%. The ventilator continues to force 💯 oxygen into the lungs with the plan and hope that in time she would be weaned off and breathing on her own.

Immediately my prayer of expectation began 1. Healing, 2. Her Peace, 3. God dreams, 4. Jesus would sit and just visit with her.

I heard God say from November 23 on  "This is not unto death", over and over I heard until I searched for the scripture I knew it was from: John 11:4 and I held onto that word and that scripture I expected her to live. There is a difference in a God dream and a God vision, my first vision that God gave me was of Angela, her back was all I could see, but she was sitting beside the still waters of a river and I knew she was at peace. And I heard God speak to my spirit "She is beside the still waters but you all are beside the raging seas". I understood she was totally unaware of what was happening with her body. On many occasions, we needed a right now miracle to sustain her life, prayer requests went out and God sent His miracle that even shocked the medical staff. This happened 3 times to 4 times. Then at church I had another vision: I saw Angela standing by the river waving at me like she was trying to get my attention, I heard her say "I love you Momma". I sat there thinking the worst and the exact same vision kept coming, then I realized she had on her earthly clothes, she was trying to get my attention that she was still here. And we kept praying and believing and trusting. Christmas came, and on December 25, during the early morning hours before December 26, I had a very real dream: I was at the hospital praying over Angela, and speaking to her doctor about our God can make his impossible possible. I left the room got on the elevator and suddenly Angela was beside me in her hospital gown but she appeared younger. She said "Come back Momma". So I went back and again began to pray over her and played the song Rattle. I remember saying "Angela I need to know you are still here, I need you to respond" immediately she raised her arm and grabbed my wrist. And I woke up believing the dream said she was going to live, then came the text message at 7 am "two cardiac arrests, barely a pulse" next text "Angela died at 8:05". My heart stopped in unbelief. Broken, despair, not understanding, why no miracle for my daughter, what did the dream even mean? God showed me that He had allowed me to once more pray over my daughter and allowed her to tell me goodbye. Some of you may not believe God gives dreams and visions but I am here to tell you that He still does, what God did was show me Angela in her spiritual state not her physical. But oh God how it hurt, I cannot begin to explain the pain, the tears and yes the anger that was tearing me apart.

This only part one of a mother's journey, I will post the remainder very shortly. It helps me to write.