AND GOD SAID

Before I begin my story, let me say God today still speaks to His children. God speaks through His word, through a message, through someone, and with that personal still small voice, a Rhema word. It is this Rhema word, when God speaks directly to us that I want to talk about.

John 10:27 My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.

John 18:b.....Everyone who is of the truth hears My voice.

In the beginning of the 12 years I was saved and running from God, a spirit of suicide came upon my mind. Since I refused to read the word or go to God's house, instead of renewing my mind each day in Christ I had opened my mind to wrong thinking, I no longer fought against the flesh, the world or the devil. I just gave in to my sin and gave up on God. This reality was killing me day by day, and hear is what the enemy would say: " you are nothing, no one loves you, no one wants you, you are saved, you are going to heaven why don't you just die, you won't be missed". Finally, since I would not give up my sin, I believed I should die and be free. So I dabbled at suicide, until one day I bought the largest bottle of extra strength Tylenol and took the whole bottle and laid down to die. I had chosen to lay down in my psychologist doctor's office back yard on a Sunday. But God had other plans, I heard someone talking to me, it was my doctor (he wasn't the only doctor in that building, it was a converted old house). He later told me that the young man who mows the yard could not come that weekend, so at the last minute he decided to come mow, himself. Imagine that. Now a few years later a lady I worked with, her husband took the same amount of pills I did, and his internal organs began to fail and in 3 days he died. Yet here I was unharmed physically by my experience. God had His hand on me but it would be years later before He would tell me why. But, the spirit of suicide left my mind, and though my life did not change I did not entertain or attempt suicide again.

Now let's fast forward approximately 23 years, this prodigal daughter had returned to the arms of my Savior about 14 years earlier, I was worshiping at the church I am today, living in an apartment. One Sunday at church God told me to speak something very specific to a younger woman, it was nothing but a word of encouragement, but I didn't because I was unsure if it was God I heard and I felt foolish, yet conviction fell on my heart and after church I contacted her and told her what had happened. But my disobedience led me to pray this "Father I don't ever want to doubt Your voice again" and that prayer saved my life.

A couple of weeks later, I had not slept at all the people upstairs were arguing and very loud. At approximately 5am a voice in my mind said "you might as well get up and go post something on Facebook about your neighbors" I sat up swung my feet over the side of the bed, prepared to do just that when I heard "Don't do it" and immediately I laid back down, 10 minutes later I heard a loud noise, I thought they have knocked one of my pictures off the wall and got up to see. When I reached the dining room I saw nothing had fallen, so I started to turn off the light, when I noticed a white powder substance all over my table and laptop, I looked up and saw what was a bullet hole in my ceiling, the bullet went behind the chair (I would have been sitting in if I had gotten up) ricocheted off the china cabinet and ended up in my living room. The police said if I had been in that chair I would have been dead. God once more spared my life. A week later praying and remembering the events of the week, GOD SAID: " From the moment you prayed God I don't ever want to doubt Your voice", He was preparing me to obey that still small voice "Don't do it."

A couple of years later, I was having some physical problems went to the doctor, stress test taken the report said a heart attack at some time in my past leaving scar tissue in my heart. Now heart doctor, more test a year later another stress test, no scarring no damage heart fine.

One night in prayer reflecting on all these times of wanting to die, almost dying, body trying to die; I said "Lord, why have You spared my life?" AND GOD SAID "I have something better for you". Of course in my mind I thought what could be better than being with you in heaven.

But my life moved forward, and God was with me and helping me, I was growing in Christ and happy. Then suddenly just a few months ago on a Friday, such an overwhelming oppression came over my mind, I became depressed, crying, (for no apparent reason) on Saturday I could not even get out of bed, I found myself praying "God surely my purpose here is more than Facebook, more than planning a meal. Lord let me die!" I did not want to go to church Sunday but I made myself get up and go anyway. I cannot tell you much about the music, or the message, I do remember him saying something like "sometimes you have to tell yourself to get up and do it even when you don't want to". But something happened while I sat in God's house, the spirit of oppression was lifted off of me, the Holy Spirit ministered to me, being in worship with my church family encouraged me and I left refreshed ready to keep moving forward. I, to this day, have no clue why Satan squeezed my mind with his oppressive thoughts, other than he hoped to stop me from continuing my walk with Jesus.

In all of this, I would go back to AND GOD SAID "I have something better for you". When God speaks it is always in agreement with His word. Again as I was reflecting on His words long ago, the Holy Spirit reminded me of this scripture:

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts (plans) that I think for toward you, says the Lord, thoughts (plans) of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I will praise the Lord all the days of my life, for He is my Redeemer, my Lord, my Hope, my Help, my Healer, my Provision, my Provider, my Comforter, my Strength, He sustains me, He lifts me up when I fall, He loves me, He is my King, my Everything. He is the very Breath in my lungs.

I hope you have never found yourself in the places of despair, ready to give up, but if you have, you are still standing here today because God did not give up on you and like the song says "He didn't let go."